SAINT CLUB CHRISTMAS LETTER 1985

Dearly beloved thugs, wimps, yobs, and twits:

Once again Xmas is just around the corner - as if I needed to remind you. The Xmas catalogs and similar junk mail have long ago thudded through our letter boxes, and already some of the more suggestible of you may have put in your orders for the kind of white elephants which have the recipients puzzling over how to thank you effusively enough without encouraging you to afflict them with something even more horrible next time.

Before this orgy of seasonal extravagance soaks up all your spare cash, I am stirred to draw your special attention to two new items on the Hon. Sec's list of beguiling merchandise.

First is the new selection of Saint Club ties, which are much more handsome than the last versions and an absolute steal at the price. And I would also point out that those independent souls who object to wearing a tie around the neck at all could also find them useful instead of a belt for holding up trousers, or for garotting relatives who have been reckless enough to remember them in their wills.

Secondly, offered for the first time this year, are conveniently sized iron-on patches bearing the Saint figure, designed to lend instant distinction to the hip pockets of your jeans, to add more class than a picture of a crocodile to the breast pocket of a shirt, or even to provide an intriguing motif for some strategic spot on your underwear. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination and your nerve to indulge it.

No prizes are promised for printable suggestions, but we hope that the mental exercise will be, to persons of your minuscule mentality, more than sufficient reward.

To which relatively harmless occupation I leave you for another year, with such good wishes as I can spare, and which cost me nothing.

Yours in unspeakable sanctity,