THE SAINT CLUB Christmas Letter 1991

My most treasured twerps, Twits, and incorrigible idiots:

Comes once again the time of year when it is my tiresome duty to remind you that your renewal of annual subscriptions is now overdue - at least for those of you who are too stupid to have taken advantage of our bargain offer of Life Membership for a paltry lump sum which any good beggar could pick up in an hour's mooching

There is still time to do that, but next year we are going to double the price, just to catch up with inflation. Even so, it will still be a fabulous investment for those who lead clean, sober, healthy, and smoke-free lives, few as they may be among the kind of membership we have.

As you very well know, every penny we make from subscriptions, donations, and the sales of our tawdry merchandise is passed on to charity, except for the barest basic expense of operating.

For many years, this has in practise meant the Arbour Youth Centre in Stepney, east London, England, which is devoted to offering social and sporting amenities to underprivileged young people who might otherwise be tempted to compete with you in whatever dubious earners you are trying to get away with. But this year we have extended a little largesse to two other good causes as well, which I felt had an irresistible claim to a piece of it.

First, Simon Dutton, star of the last Saint TV series, volunteered to take part in a bicycle chase from Oslo to the Arctic, in aid of Barnardo's. It seemed only right that we should be one of his sponsors, and he duly completed the course with great distinction.

Second, I had for a long while been intrigued by reports I had heard of someone actually named Simon Templar, who was reported to be dedicating his life to the rescue of mistreated and cruelly exploited Chimpanzees. I finally succeeded in tracking him down to his home and chimp refuge near Barcelona. You will read much more about him and his work in the latest issue of our News Letter, and I'm sure you will agree that this was the kind of monkey business to which the saint club simply had to contribute.

And with that, I send you the best greetings I can manage for the coming season of organized goodwill, and may all the cars you steal for "joyriding" get punctures in the first yard.