CHRISTMAS LETTER 1992

My esteemed mentally and physically disadvantaged persons with social adjustment problems --

(as I am told I must now address you, to be Politically Correct)

-- The seasonal distribution of winter catalogs at the height of a heat wave reminded me as usual that Christmas is just around the corner, or at least only a few months away, and that the time has come again to put the bite on you for your annual subscriptions (unless you are Life Members) and/or whatever donations can be squeezed out of your innate parsimony.

Those of you who spent a couple of weeks getting square-eyed at the televised Olympics will surely have noticed with indignation that no medals were awarded for your own favorite sports, such as mugging, bag-snatching, and joy-riding.

Our campaign against this unfair discrimination has already begun, and we are starting with a demand that if Archery is featured, then a similar sport, performed with smaller arrows only launched with finger power, Darts, should also be included. Since this is normally played in pubs, with an associated consumption of alcohol, it is a discipline in which our membership could be expected to excel.

But this crusade costs money. Palms have to be greased, or in PC terms there have to be economic encouragements in influential quarters, and this will put more pressure on our funds, which are already doing their best to keep up with other charities, such as sponsoring Simon Dutton's marathon bike rides, helping the real Simon Templar to rescue and care for abused and exploited chimpanzees, and supporting the Arbour Youth Centre, where other monkeys can have harmless fun.

If you are too stingy to relish giving away money for the pure joy of getting rid of it, I would remind you that Saint Club T-shirts, sweatshirts, mugs and even videos, make excellent Christmas presents. I hesitate to add copies of my book PALENEO, since that might be seen as incorrectly pandering to intellectual elitism.

Whatever you decide to do, I send you my thanks and warmest traditional greetings. And may your anabolic steroids always go undetected.